17 posts later.....

17 posts ago I was telling the world that I couldn't have kids.  And tonight I popped another round of clomid (which tastes nasty by the way.), and when I say popped I mean stuffed a handful of pills down my throat, and I can't wait for this all to be over.  I am so tired of feeling crappy, getting up every morning at 6:30 to take my temperature (it helps you chart your exact date of ovulation - in my case non-ovulation), and having to take the dreaded pregnancy test at the end of every cycle - but because I am so in tuned with my body knowing what it is going to say.

Please don't think I have become a bitter person who is giving up - if this round works I'll be ecstatic!  But I have found hope in something else - Foster Care.

Remember Joe and I went to camp?  Well, we were in this giant auditorium with all these kids and this praise band singing, and I was just sitting there thinking about kids and how I would like to do foster care someday.  The singer got done with the song and started to tell us how he grew up in the foster care system.......

I don't believe in signs.  I do believe in direct missiles from God, and this is what this was for me.  My heart stopped beating, and I couldn't stop thinking about it.  So I told Joe that night I wanted to quit the drugs and be a foster mom.  He said, well, why don't you pray about it.

And pray we have!

  Last week we had a meeting with a lady at DCS, and in Aug we start our classes to become licensed foster parents.  Then we go through a huge background check and they will start placing kids in our home sometime in the next 5-6 months.  We still have a lot of decisions to make like what age groups we want and such but I feel like everything is falling into place.

Then God through one in just in case I wasn't convinced.  Last nights newspaper, front page headline read "County in need of more foster homes."  I guess there are only 4 foster homes in Dubois County, and 35 foster kids - which means a lot of kids get sent out of county and have to change schools and what not.  It had this great story about a foster mom around here who has been doing it for 5 years and has had 40 kids go through her house!  At one time she had 9!!!!!

Please don't think I've lost it - my house is not big enough for 9, but I really can't wait to get some little kiddos in here and hug them and show them that they are special, even for a day.  And if a day turns into 360, or forever I will be happy with that too.

Do I think we are never going to have kids that have Joseph's curls?  I have no idea.  But I do know that we are right where we need to be.

Will I ever get over that wondering if I'm pregnant?  Yes, when I hit menopause.

Will we still do this if this round of clomid works?  Maybe not right away, but yes.

Will I get my family of 7?  You bet.

Will we ever do fertility treatments again?  I really don't know.

(This series of questions is a little homage to my doctor, who always talks in questions.  Don't know why, but I still like him.)

Sunday.....er, no Monday

It feels like Sunday night.  But its Monday.  Which most of you would say is a good thing.  But I don't feel good about it.  Joseph is out packing up his car as we speak to be on the road again.  I hate when he leaves, and he won't even be gone long this time.  Its hard on me - all this traveling.

This week is extra trying on my emotions.  Two reasons:
1). I thought my temperature had spiked.  (Background:  When trying to get preggers, the doctor has you take your temperature every morning with a special thermometer (basel) and you chart what your temp is doing. Its supposed to dip a bit, spike, and stay hot.  Mine dipped, spiked, stayed hot, but went cold.  It should stay hot till your 28th day and then get lower when your little friend comes to town.)  So I've been really excited about my temp being up, and even made the mistake of telling a few friends it was up.  Now I'm feeling again like a failure.
2). Joseph is going off on a guys-weekend fishing trip this weekend.   Sounds fun right?  I am glad for him (I guess) but am so upset that he is leaving me for the weekend after being gone this week and then again on Monday.  I am just jealous of being left home.  I love to fish.  And I don't like to be left home.  Its extra hard because he doesn't understand my resistance to not going.  He just keeps telling me he has never met another man whose wife doesn't want him to go have some guys time.  I am going to try not to cry like a baby this weekend when he leaves.  Especially because my father-in-law and Jon-Jon will be picking him up.

Thats all, I'll put more pictures up this week.  I've got lots to share.

Mothers Day

Happy Mothers day to all of you out there! Mothers day is a mixed bag for me. I miss my mother, I am thrilled to spend time with my mother-in-law, and today is a constant reminder of my inability to give birth (so far). So I didn't go to church this morning - just couldn't do it. Used some terrible excuse about pants not being ironed, which Joe was seeing right through it. So I had a breakdown, and went back to bed. Got up at 11, called my momma, took a drive with my dog, got a doughnut, came home and sat on the patio, ate the doughnut and planted flowers. For myself. It turned out to be a pretty good day.

Here's a little of what has been happening here in Jasper, at least at my house.

Well Thursday I sorta cut my hand open. Doing dishes. So then I was wandering around the house with my hand wrapped up in a towel trying to get a hold of anyone who might be able to come and drive me to the hospital. Finally my mother in law calls back and we head off for a 2 hour round with the ER. Luckily my favorite doctor was there. And he always makes me feel so comforted - its nice to see a friendly face. So he slides into the room Cosmo Kramer style and said he had to fight three other doctors for my chart. He then stitched me up with three stitches and we were on our way. Here's a picture.

Its doing ok. I am just not used to not doing things with that hand. I keep getting it wet, I keep getting it dirty. It is probably never going to heal.

Then that night my husband came home with this!

Its my new computer! Its a Sony Vaio and i love it. Yep that's my blog on my new computer. I can not promise that I will write more, but I will try :)

This is my confession.....

Here goes....

We are struggling with infertility. This should not be shocking to most who read my blog, because most who read it know me personally. But we are. And I can't write on my blog because I am too angry/hurt/sad/in a dark place to find anything positive to write. Or I have been. This week we went back to the doctor and talked to him again. Then we spent the weekend in Cincinnati, just a little get away, and had some great conversations about our future and our expectations.

So here's what it came down to....

God must have a good reason for this pain. We don't know/understand why, but we trust that God has a good reason. We wish he would reveal that to us so we could understand, but God is mysterious. I have been having this feeling lately that maybe God wants to put our family together a different way - adoption - and he knows if we could have a natural child, it wouldn't happen. So he is with holding this one thing that we want so badly from us because our future family depends on it. And above all I am going to trust when the time is right God will reveal his plan to us, and we will make it happen - with his help.

Walking this walk takes a great amount of faith for me. Faith in God, faith in the doctor, faith in Joseph. And for some reason this week I am finding great strength in my faith. It isn't always this easy, and I may not feel this way in 2 weeks when I'm pumped up on the hormones again. But for right now, I am going to be faithful. And my prayer tonight is that I remember God IS mysterious even when the hormones take over :)

So there it is. This is my only excuse for not blogging. I am slowly getting better at being myself again. I'm taking a spinning class. I'm cleaning the house again. I'm loving the dog. I'm knitting. I'm thinking about sewing. I'm making plans to clean out/paint my new craft/sewing room (which really should be the nursery, but no need for that right now.) I'm planning the garden I am going to grow in my yard with a close friend - and longing for the first red tomato of the season. I'm not crying as much, and spending more time with friends. I'm renovating my kitchen. Staying busy is helpful.

* I would like to thank my friend mrs. rice for coming out on her blog. She showed me that I don't have to hide behind my infertility. Its part of me, and I have to learn to live through it, not behind it.