This is my confession.....

Here goes....

We are struggling with infertility. This should not be shocking to most who read my blog, because most who read it know me personally. But we are. And I can't write on my blog because I am too angry/hurt/sad/in a dark place to find anything positive to write. Or I have been. This week we went back to the doctor and talked to him again. Then we spent the weekend in Cincinnati, just a little get away, and had some great conversations about our future and our expectations.

So here's what it came down to....

God must have a good reason for this pain. We don't know/understand why, but we trust that God has a good reason. We wish he would reveal that to us so we could understand, but God is mysterious. I have been having this feeling lately that maybe God wants to put our family together a different way - adoption - and he knows if we could have a natural child, it wouldn't happen. So he is with holding this one thing that we want so badly from us because our future family depends on it. And above all I am going to trust when the time is right God will reveal his plan to us, and we will make it happen - with his help.

Walking this walk takes a great amount of faith for me. Faith in God, faith in the doctor, faith in Joseph. And for some reason this week I am finding great strength in my faith. It isn't always this easy, and I may not feel this way in 2 weeks when I'm pumped up on the hormones again. But for right now, I am going to be faithful. And my prayer tonight is that I remember God IS mysterious even when the hormones take over :)

So there it is. This is my only excuse for not blogging. I am slowly getting better at being myself again. I'm taking a spinning class. I'm cleaning the house again. I'm loving the dog. I'm knitting. I'm thinking about sewing. I'm making plans to clean out/paint my new craft/sewing room (which really should be the nursery, but no need for that right now.) I'm planning the garden I am going to grow in my yard with a close friend - and longing for the first red tomato of the season. I'm not crying as much, and spending more time with friends. I'm renovating my kitchen. Staying busy is helpful.

* I would like to thank my friend mrs. rice for coming out on her blog. She showed me that I don't have to hide behind my infertility. Its part of me, and I have to learn to live through it, not behind it.

Winter Wrap-up!

I know its still winter, but down here it doesn't really feel like it. Its been in the 50's and it really could have been April for the last couple of weeks. Here's a little sampling of what we have been up to this winter while I was not blogging:

Joe Hunted. And got a button buck (translation: Bambi with little nubs). It sure is tasty!

This guy came to visit. That's our tree behind him. And he brought his mom, Aunt Katie Jean and Carleigh!Found this new friend at a little junk shop. Don't know why, but I love him!

Family Christmas photo. Theresa said my tree was so perfect she wanted to undecorate it and rearrange it. Meanie.Then the day they left it snowed, making it the worse trip to Wisconsin ever. Next year they are coming in early November. Or July.
Then for Christmas we went to Wisconsin! Joe and Jeremiah put their heads together.
And Carleigh joined God's Family! Welcome :) So now I have you all caught up, I better go out and take more pictures for later. Trying to get better at posting on this blog, Hope it keeps up.

Late

So I should be in bed, (actually I am IN bed, I guess I should say I should be sleeping.) Instead I am blogging. I set my new years resolution to blog more, and I have failed for the first 18 days. Let me catch you up on my new year.

We spent the first part in Wisconsin, and then came back to Jasper and had about a normal week. Joe was on the road one day, and then his jobs got moved around so he got to come home (yay!) Then we had a snow storm, and Dixie decided she loves the snow. Here's a picture:

She is getting very big and has grown up into a much better dog. She loves the play Frisbee and peanut butter rawhide's, and is so smart we taught her to ring a bell when she has to go potty. She still tries to eat the couch and thinks God gave me legs for her chewing enjoyment, but all in all we love her. She loves to lay on our bed at night before we go to sleep, and when her time is up and she should be going back to her crate, she gives us the look that says 'I'm a good girl, I can sleep with you guys, I won't bite or pee or be bad, you can trust me' and we ALMOST give in. But for now, we agree that crating her is the best option for us and for her.

So School was canceled for two days here because of the snow (which is ridiculous, if we had been in Wisco there would have not only been school that day, there would have been sports that night.) Also the Burger King was closed. How do I know that you ask? Well, they have this wonderful little thing called a funnel cake stick, and I'm addicted.

Then it all went down hill. I thought we were having a great start to the new year - working out on the wii fit, (I lost 4, Joe lost 10), I was getting excited about projects at work, and then Wally died. Wally was our church custodian and on the 10th his house burnt down. He and his wife both died in the fire. And the world stopped. I really mean that too - we had no church service that weekend, we just broke the bad news the the congregation and tried to let the healing begin through music and hugs. Then Monday we tried to move, but found ourselves stuck in the grieving process. I got very little done at work last week. I felt sorta broken. I saw this man everyday - he was very dedicated to the church and his work. And suddenly he was gone. then I started hearing how he went out of this world, and it made the healing process even harder, but I won't go into that.

We had a beautiful service for Wally and his wife Barbara Friday night, and there is no doubt in my mind that they met Jesus last weekend. Wally loved the Lord, and I'm pretty sure nobody is going to ask him to do dishes in heaven.

So this week I've been trying to get back to normal, but healing is a slow process. Sometimes I can hear him coming down the hallway humming an old familiar hymn, or I have found myself singing How Great Thou Art more than once this week (it was his favorite). And I miss him.

I was going to put more pictures up, but my Internet is hit and miss tonight - maybe tomorrow friends. Until then, remember, God Loves You!

Dolphins, Dogs and Drugs

Today I was reading an article that said Dolphins were the smartest mammals in the world besides us. And some scientist wants them treated humanely. I laughed out loud when I read this. Really? You want us to get lawyers for a dolphin when another brushes up against him in the water and he feels violated? We should put them on food stamps when they can't find enough fish to feed their little dolphin babies and give them scholarships to Miami U? Next they are going to say we shouldn't call our professional teams 'the dolphins' because its offensive.

I hate that word humane. If animals were ment to be treated like humans, they would have been humans, not animals.

OK that's probably more of a rant than it was intended to be.

So thinking about the dolphins, I got thinking about my dog, Dixie. She got spayed yesterday, and I brought her home today. She lacked a certain spring in her step. I know that she just had what we would call major surgery, but I felt sorry for her. I wondered if she is going to go through the rest of her life longing the little babies that I denied her. Do dogs and dolphins really have feelings?

So I think I am going to have to take some heavy drugs to get some sleep after allowing these random thoughts to infiltrate my life.

Testing from my phone

October really?

So I am bad at keeping up. But we don't have Internet at home. OR do we? We might. I just need to go home and see if the modem has been delivered. And then I promise to update you on my life - the dog, the house, the husband and southern Indiana in general. Until then....

And the Rest!

Here's some more pictures of the house.....

New lamps from a lady at church in the huge living room!

I'm using our new vacuum. Its not really new, but the whole time we lived in Chicago we didn't get to use it much because the apartment was small and all hardwood floors. It works pretty great if I do say so myself. And the carpet in this room is pretty good so we are keeping it. Did I mention this room is huge? And has awesome windows.

I heart Vacuuming!!!!
This is going to be the guest bedroom someday. Please not that the washing and dryer are currently occupying this space. We don't know why you would put them in probably the largest bedroom in the house, but hey, to each their own.

Bathroom - Its black and blue and now very clean. There is no shower in the bathroom just a tub. Another project for someday.

Hi Momma. I'm alive and well :)

This ones for you Daddy - Just wanted to let you know I'm useful. I changed the toilet seat the first night we were in the house!!! And I was wearing really stylish gloves.This is the room we are going to be using as our bedroom. So I guess you could call it the master. Ha.

And there you have it. Our humble abode. Come Visit!!!