This is my confession.....

Here goes....

We are struggling with infertility. This should not be shocking to most who read my blog, because most who read it know me personally. But we are. And I can't write on my blog because I am too angry/hurt/sad/in a dark place to find anything positive to write. Or I have been. This week we went back to the doctor and talked to him again. Then we spent the weekend in Cincinnati, just a little get away, and had some great conversations about our future and our expectations.

So here's what it came down to....

God must have a good reason for this pain. We don't know/understand why, but we trust that God has a good reason. We wish he would reveal that to us so we could understand, but God is mysterious. I have been having this feeling lately that maybe God wants to put our family together a different way - adoption - and he knows if we could have a natural child, it wouldn't happen. So he is with holding this one thing that we want so badly from us because our future family depends on it. And above all I am going to trust when the time is right God will reveal his plan to us, and we will make it happen - with his help.

Walking this walk takes a great amount of faith for me. Faith in God, faith in the doctor, faith in Joseph. And for some reason this week I am finding great strength in my faith. It isn't always this easy, and I may not feel this way in 2 weeks when I'm pumped up on the hormones again. But for right now, I am going to be faithful. And my prayer tonight is that I remember God IS mysterious even when the hormones take over :)

So there it is. This is my only excuse for not blogging. I am slowly getting better at being myself again. I'm taking a spinning class. I'm cleaning the house again. I'm loving the dog. I'm knitting. I'm thinking about sewing. I'm making plans to clean out/paint my new craft/sewing room (which really should be the nursery, but no need for that right now.) I'm planning the garden I am going to grow in my yard with a close friend - and longing for the first red tomato of the season. I'm not crying as much, and spending more time with friends. I'm renovating my kitchen. Staying busy is helpful.

* I would like to thank my friend mrs. rice for coming out on her blog. She showed me that I don't have to hide behind my infertility. Its part of me, and I have to learn to live through it, not behind it.